The Beauty Stamp - Quality Control Passed

Beauty doesn’t come cheap or easy. Just as you may have to give up that one free Saturday to go get waxed or pay through your nose for that haircut from the best of the best (which anyway doesn’t work for ya) – there’s a price to be paid for beautiful cities and their beautiful things. And just like men who would rather believe that their ladies never grew and never will grow body hair, people would prefer to believe that beautiful cities don’t need waxing or much of it. But they do my friends, they do.

Chrominator

Before I left Bangalore for Singapore, I spent some time saying goodbye to some of my intelligent friends - the winged ones. I have always been and will always be fond of crows – simply because intelligence impresses me and crows have lots of it (men besotted with me please take note!). When I landed in Singapore, I was completely charmed by the mynahs. I rarely saw them fly as they always comfortably hopped or trotted around. There-fore it took me a while to notice that there wasn’t a single crow around. I just assumed that crows didn’t find it suitable breeding ground. But the truth was far from it. Apparently the crows found the environment so super suitable, that they 'consummated like bunnies' * all year long!

The House Crow was introduced in Singapore to control Rhino Beetles on oil palm farms but soon turned into such a nuisance they started culling crows officially in 1974. Hygiene, sound rackets, and viruses were termed some of the reasons. Now shooters from various clubs are employed to systematically eliminate the crow population of Singapore. Imagine that – Accountant by day and Crow Terminator by night. Make that Chrominator. Get the pun -? Chrome? Crows? Black? (Ah I knew you guys were smart! ) All in all – the shooters certainly keep the city orderly and clean. I for one would rather trade pigeons for crows. Because in case you noticed – pigeon poo is far smellier than crow shit. I’d rather have a cawing crow wake me up in the morning than the stingy smell of a shitting pigeon wafting through the AC. Shit for thought Mr. Chrominator?
* Line taken from a Friends episode”

Now to the other side of the world

Didn’t I say that men would rather believe that women don’t grow body hair? I can back that – with an existing LAW. Turns out an active law in Carrizozo (USA) forbids a female from appearing unshaven in public (“includes legs and face” it states.). Don’t know how they enforce it – perhaps somebody walks around with a hairometer or just jumps on women – gives them the shock of their life – and looks down to check if there was any rising of the hair. Cracks I tell you. I think I would rather be born in Arabia, don a compulsory burqa, and torture my body in searing heat - than have to deal with stubborn leg (and other) stubble everyday. These people don't know what they are legislating about!

Lost buttons

Any person travelling from a dusty Asian country to a sparkling European nation will definitely be awed by the pristineness of everything. The green green grass, the blue blue sky, the red red roses, and the round round fruit. Yes the round round, the smooth smooth, the firm firm fruit. At supermarkets I would admire the peachy-skinned pears and think “man even the fruit have great genes!”. It was only later that I discovered that the body image obsession has crossed species in this continent. Even fruit have to worry about blemishes, wrinkles, and dimpled skin! This is the reason why only the most cosmetically-perfect fruit actually makes it to the market. It needs to have perfect shape, colour, size, and skin. Somebody out there sits and sorts every single fruit that enters the country. I am not joking. Anything that does not comply with the beauty standards is classified as class II, discarded, and shipped right off to the class III … err I mean “third-world” countries. Never mind that it may be "beautiful on the inside". In actuality, four fruit classes have been defined by the EU. Of this, Class III is the lowest class and for this “The requirements of Class II apply, while in addition the fruits may have lost their buttons.”

Fruits may have lost their buttons??? Are you kidding me? You are the ones who have lost your buttons. You fruity Hitlers.