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Bovine aspirations – Mooni badnam hui

Sunday, March 20, 2011

If I am reborn – I’d like to be a cow. That is, if I am reborn in Bangalore. That would be the life. No no, I am not going to give you the regular spiel on how cows can walk on roads etc. Or maybe I am. But it’s not the fact that they can. It’s how they do. I just lovvvveee their confidence.

How they sway dug-gu--dug-gu with their beautiful Jennifer Lopez bums …
giving their bitsy bitsy thumkas : ...thumak … thumak …
while their anklets go chann….chann….

Their tail swishes around like the village belle’s plait –
and a light breeze ruffles the hair at the end …
...almost as if it were modelling for a Sunsilk ad … hair blowing in the air in slow motion. Sssssrrrrrrr.

How they gently lift and shake their heads as if to show off their jhumkas …
...and sweetly look up to the sky and give out a contented “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo …..”. 

And some roadside Romeo responds “woof woof” .

And our lady just tilts her head slightly and gives the Romeo a gentle indulgent glare with a “dhat!”. Offering a token protest as the heroine of the road - but revelling in her popularity. Softly drooling …and quietly humming “Mooni badnam hui…”


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Then there are the other advantages. Cows have inbuilt Bhajji-Bonda radars. We know that the best bhajji-bonda stalls are often always in the trickiest of lanes. Lanes you will struggle to find on your own. But somehow, the cows know them. They may roam to Gandhibazaar or Sampige road during the day. But right as the burner is lit, they will be in attendance in the bylanes of Kamraj road to claim their mirchi bhajji. Their pregnant bellies and breezy tails jostling with the people. But of course, they will never get one. Cows like all naughty animals of this world – want more than they can handle. And we humans know it.

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Being reborn a cow would also put an end to a lady’s weight issues. Full is good. Round is sound. Big bums are zexy. Anything less than 500 kgs would be underweight. Wow. That's the dream. You can just eat …. and eat … and eat ….. all – day – long…

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Finally, the best part about being a cow is - being well-groomed is an inbuilt quality. Firstly, they have automatic heels. So their gait is impeccable. No Miss Jay can fault it. Second to that is the ability to just plonk themselves at any given ground. In the sexiest pose possible. Two front legs will be demurely tucked in. The other two will be neatly stretched out. Shoulder’s upright. Chin straight. There  is NO way. Just no way that a sitting cow can have bad posture. Then, there are the buzzing flies. She may shake them off like – well – flies. But they are actually her beauticians. Nibbling away at all the grime and bacteria. Facials round the clock. And without nails – no need of mani-pedis. Everything looks good as is, just super low maintenance.

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And somehow, when I think of being a cow .... all else around me fades. I can simply imagine myself - lolling down the road ... but I can't hear the traffic and I couldn't care less about the road goondas. I see myself bellowing in the most resonating voice ... speaking to this invisible audience. I am the operatic mistress - and the gallis are my stage. I can flirt with the grass without sneezing. I can headbutt anyone around me who pisses me off ... and if I don't care I can unhurriedly walk past ... ass in the air, swatting them with my tail. And the best thing would be that I could never ever be a bitch ... because I would have the most beautifully liquid eyes in the world. And when someone would look into them --- they would flutteringly fall in love with me and whisper ...

Paro .....
Radha ....
Munni .....

Sigghh.... Bovine is truly divine ...

Mooni badnam hui ..... la la la ... hmm mm hmm.....
Here's a video I made for my Mooni .... watch it!



 





5 comments:

ayanti said...

Quite a wit! Enjoyed reading this. Will be a regular reading from now onwards.

Cheers!

Rabia Fathima said...

Thanks Ayanti! Was checking out your blog too... seems like so much fun! Can I link from mine?

Gollum Rules! said...

Of course!

Neha said...

Totally louve what you've done :) Gonna be a regular!

Rabia Fathima said...

awesome! .... but please tell me which Neha is this?!