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The Emancipated Female’s Guide to Asexual Reproduction

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I might roll my eyes at ‘Woman’s Day’, but I can't not acknowledge that I am myself a product of Female Emancipation. Let me be clear that I am not a feminist – just emancipated. Loosely translated in my dictionary it means ‘self-sufficient, independent thinker, man-loving (not necessarily lesbian), but free of subjugation to the moustache’.

Feminist, emancipated, unfeminist, or unemancipated – I am certain at some point in her life, every other woman must have wished that she could be self-sufficient in every way possible. Err I mean, that wanting a man in her life should be more because she finds it a pleasure and not so much because she needs it  – even in the mother-naturely way. Still thinking dirty? Perverts. I..am..talking about reproduction – nothing else. I am talking about those very irritable PMS moments when you burst out ‘Why, why, why do we need men?’ and some smart dumbass answers ‘for babies my dear’ and then you can’t argue that. Not even when you bring out the ace of all such arguments – the Sperm Bank - cos in the end, it’s still a moustache product isn’t it?

But tell you what dears - it’s possible. All we need to do is take some reproduction workshops with monitor lizards. Yes monitor lizards. Too creepy? How about boa constrictors? No? Still doesn’t work for ya? How about hammerhead sharks? Whaaat? Stop laughing, no pun intended, I am serious! These are REAL facts and the following is a SCIENTIFIC guideline on how you can reproduce - without men!

Method one – Parthogenesis (Virgin birth)

Definition: Parthenogenesis is a form of asexual reproduction found in females, where growth and development of embryos occurs without fertilization by a male.

Oppaaa!! Come on up to my Parthogenesis Greek Goddess balcony to hear the roar of the common woman! If you seek a virgin birth – you must follow the path of the enlightened ones - the Whiptails, Geckos, Rock Lizards, Blindsnakes, Komodo Dragons, and Boa Constrictors.

No, these are not feminist reptiles. They are truly emancipated. Doesn't mean that they do this cos they can't do 'it'. They are quite capable, but they take on the virgin birth when a dude is not ‘available in the general vicinity’. Hear hear single but ready for the umbilical wannabe mothers!

And when do they do it? When the environment is favourable and there is lots of food available to support them and the baby. Mostly in spring and summer --- aha how romantic! And otherwise you ask? Well then they take on a mate (usually in autumn and winter) and get him to share the load!

What a smart strategy eh? Just goes to show that females are sensible across species! And psst psst apparently in the virgin birth only females are born. Oh well, never heard of a male spring child anyway, what we have heard of is an ‘Off-spring’. And that term finally makes sense!

Method two – Eusocial approach (Queens)

Definition: Of or pertaining to certain social animals societies in which sterile individuals work for reproductive individuals.

Do you often dream of being the next Queen Elizabeth, Oprah, or Carla Bruni? Of a world where all the men live around and only for you, where their very existence is determined by whether you will have them? Where all the women are your maids fluffing, buffing, and ruffling your gown?

This is your chance to make your dream come true. And for this you must embrace the path to Eusocialism. When you reign a Eusocial society as the Queen Bee, the male may only approach you on your command, and no other female has reproductive power. Once you adopt this path, you will also have the magical power to choose whether your babies will be male or female. And it’s all rather simple – if you want to create the next queen to succeed you, all you gotta do is lay an egg and guard it from the males like the silliest romance novel you possess. Voila – your next Queen is born!

Method three – Self-fertilization

Definition:  Does it need one??

Well, to be able to self-fertilize, you need to be a hermaphrodite - like a snail. Meaning, you need to have both male and female parts so that you can do the whole deed yourself. Got it?

Some other methods I think are a little out there cos they have been only observed in worms etc. One of these is Budding – where a growth on your body turns into your offspring. Actually apparently Jellyfish do it this way – so not so unattractive eh? And ah, there is of course Fragmentation – where you keep chopping yourself into pieces that become new beings (like in earthworms)! And of course there is also the case of Kaguya who was born of two females. Mice that is. Genetically meddled with that is. Humans are not far behind. Ellen DeGeneres is waiting. Do you hear that scientists?

So, enough oredi??

He he, I think so. But before I end this, I must also enlighten you about Protogyny – where you can transform from a female to a male. Fish do it - you can do it too and then chase all the many other fish in the sea. Talk about empowerment.

But men reading this, have some heart. I'll let you in on the real reason why finding Nemo was difficult - cos he had turned into a lady! If you want to turn into one and do away with the ladies yourself then train with the Clown Fish on how to be born a male and transform into a female. You can finally take the reins of birthing in your hands! And certainly there won’t be anyone to ask you to ‘quit clowning around’.

What fun. And what a peaceful solution to stick to your sides of the bed.

Asexual reproduction sure sounds cool. But I for one am going to stop at emancipation. That's quite a mouthful as it is!


Anonymous said...

This is so hilarious! Love your creative writing. Keep scribbling. -Mansi

Rabia Fathima said...

Very glad you read it!!