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Reproduction is a-sexual matter

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Put ‘sex’ in the title and suddenly it gets like a zillion hits. Even if it was something like ‘asexual’ and followed by ‘reproduction’. Or even if it’s something like ‘reproduction’ followed by ‘a-sexual’. Don’t tell me that you people were/are honestly interested in learning about reproduction. Cos reproduction is like a byproduct that you really don’t care about right. Like pooping is a byproduct to eating – but we’d rather ignore the connection.

And if you are vigorously shaking your head – tell me did you really pay much attention in biology class on the wee wees and the woo woos? Quick tell me what's a zygote? Donno right. What about fallopian tubes? You know vaguely. Your mind said "something to do with the uterus". But you don't know what exactly. I know you don't know cos when I was in middle school Whisper (the lady brand?) made rounds of schools to tell us all about the wee wees and woos woos, and most boys in my class couldn’t think beyond “Whisper” and most girls couldn’t think beyond “Oh no – the boys are Whispering!”.

So we all know that the majority don’t really care about technically why sex matters.  Oh wait --- errr – eemm, as a good ‘unmarried’ Indian muslim girl I shouldn’t even be mentioning THE WORD should I? But sorry folks. This is my blog and I am one year shy of thirty. There, I ‘shy’ed. Would you like me to blush a little? There – my brown cheeks are blushing maroon. Happy? And by the way – don’t kid yourself. You visited this page precisely because of THE WORD. But with due respect to my uncles and aunties, and just to see the outcome, I shall for the rest of this post refer to THE WORD as err ‘Knitting’.

And dear uncles and aunties – if you are worried that your little boys and girls are reading this post that is talking about knitting matters – don’t worry – they have already been reading Dr. Batra’s advice column in the paper. Religiously. Where every week – every dude asks the same damn questions about knitting and the size of knitting needles. And Dr. Batra dutifully clarifies the doubts about needling err I mean knitting and needle sizes, and patiently explains that as long as they are pointy you can happily knit away on the excursion to the Honeywell office. None of you misses it either. You can't help but read it. I know because the paper dudes put it right next to the most interesting feature in BOLD LETTERS that announce “here it is, here it is!”.
Remember the days when a tick mark gave you a score, and an X meant it was wrong? Usually used by teachers to mark an incorrect answer in your notebook. Never could they have thought that one day a conversation between two grown boys could be such:

Boy 1:  “So what did you get?”
Boy 2: “Triple x”
Boy 1: “Dude....Score!”

But seriously, what is it – I don’t get it. Is the world in general knitting too much? Too little? Or are they doing it wrong? Or do they want to do it wrong (eyebrows wiggle wiggle and a cheap guffaw).  See, even comedians get the best laughs when there’s lots of knitting innuendo sprinkled in. Comedy is dirty. Books are dirty. Movies are dirty. TV is dirty. The internet is super dirty. No wonder the human mind has become so dirty as well. Or perhaps it's the other way around.

The more open the world (at least the Indian world) seems to be getting about it – the more the obsession is escalating. I don’t agree with this whole Indians are repressed theory. Indians are not repressed. They are simply depressed cos they are discovering that it was all hullabaloo over nothing. If you don’t believe me just check at the book store. You will find lots of disgruntled people trying to return the Kama Sutra and get their money back. Or maybe it's just a case of ghar ki murghi dhal barabar. :P

BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM WRONG - cos I did some researching on what Indians are Googling about naturally expecting it to be THE WORD cos I know I read that Indians are the largest consumers of dirt on the net. But I was shocked. Here are the actual results:

"HOW TO GET PREGNANT" is the most frequently googled question by Indians followed by "HOW TO KISS".

Wow, I was definitely expecting something err a little more advanced. But apparently people we are still stuck at the wee wees and woo woos stage!! By God, something needs to be done about that! So my sincere advice to the little Indians - please stop Whispering and pay more attention to learning about knitting matters. See, it’s verry simple. To make your sweater, you have to put the needle into the yarn and go Knit. Pearl. Knit. Pearl.

And if you are having trouble understanding that - please ask your mummy.


Aravind Deivendran said...

Bold and witty :)

Rabia Fathima said...

glad you enjoyed it! :) (presuming)