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The Chindians are Coming – Run baby run!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Why don't they give us gas tanks before we enter elevators? I mean it only makes logical sense. Particularly if you have to hold your breath for 10 floors at least. I am talking of our Indian lifts. Torture isn’t it?

We Indians are odour factories. The rest of the world agrees. The only other competition are the herb popping Chinese. No offense my Easholding-breath-cartoon15t Asian friends, but marry your bad breath to our body odour and we can create one great stinky race! So - the elevators. Terrible to be trapped in one with lots of either gene pool isn't it? It's either hold your breath or faint. And hold our breaths we can, can't we? I tell ya, our lung capacities are super.  Who else but us can hold our breaths for that long?!  The bigger the lift - the worse it gets. And throw in some aunty's rotting chameli flowers into the mix for effect. Dhinkachika dhinkachika. Ringariga Ringariga.

And the silence of thick uncirculated air. Oh the omnious silence. You can literally hear the bacteria working their asses off.

And suddenly it's punctuated with the chameli aunty's spit-spewing throat mangling cough. Her afternoon's lunch then joins us all. And then some big moustache uncle uses the opportunity to blow his nose and simulateneously well, slip something nasty in as well.

You can't hold your breath enough. Every molecule of every gas starts permeating your skin. A trickle of sweat down your own forehead, your eyes are glued to the floor indicator, in the haze of the gasses and lack of oxygen and pressure of squeezing the life out of your face ... the numbers start to shiver .... 3 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~4 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~5. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~7 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A desperate voice in the head goes: Oh dear lord, forgive me for I've sinned. But not enough to be subject to this! And in some corner of your brain Bryan Adams starts belting "Rescue me....darling rescue me...."

Body Odour. Right.

I mean it's not only that we have body odour. We have BODY ODOUR. And indeed we miss out honouring the macho men of our nation who carry the bastion of the Indian BO! Did you know that the body odour is actually a survival feature of the human body? "Strong body odor can be a warning signal to would be predators to stay away, or it can be also a signal that the prey animal is unpalatable." – Wikipedia

Warning signal. Indeed. RUN LADIES RUN.

Unpalatable? Well, I see more and more of my friends settling down with the firangs so there's got to be some truth in that.

I am sure the BO is an evolutionary Indian response to the eternal (let's leave factual inaccuracies aside) Sino-Indo conflict. In the days of no guns and machines, it is the odours that raged as warning signs. The Indians probably jumped manically to beats to fill all of Himalaya with odour warnings.  And the chinese would counter, in their typical restrained manner. "We no jump. We no want skin water. We eat. Bad bad herb. Bad bad smell." And in a beautiful sinuous motion they blow out their dragon breath to melt the snowcaps. That's when our rivers actually start flowing. No wonder our sweat stinks ..... because if you think about it,  we are drinking water laced with the herbaceous gasses from the dragon breath of our cheeni brothers!!!

So why the hell do we actually need weapons? Mr. Defence Minister, just don't make our men bathe for a while. That would be the best offense and defence yet. Or better still - aim for world dominance, adopt the Alexandar approach. Send our nastiest human odour factories in to reproduce with the most 'herbal' cheeni sisters. And maybe this new breed of dragonoids can herd our nations in one big mass of Chindians living happily ever after in their big billowing bubble of odour gasses. Oh the Chindians. Can you hear the sirens in the firang nations? "The Chindians are coming, the Chindians are coming!!"

Word of advice?